I’ll be writing this post in ‘mixed’ language
so that I can fully express myself. So please bear with me.
Inimbita kami ng aking katrabaho sa bahay nila. Apparently, bisperas nung day
na yun (Bisperas is the term used for the day before an actual fiesta in a
barangay here in our place). So yun, pagdating namin (7:42), kumain kami ng
marami, especially yung sinabawan na carabao (it’s a common delicacy here). We
shared laughs and fun stories as we ate (siyempre mga barako halos lahat ng
kasama ko). After that, binigyan kami ng isang case ng red horse beer. It’s
common protocol na bigyan ang mga bisita ng alak after eating (most especially
during fiesta). I guess it’s normal tradition for all Filipinos.
So yun nagkainuman kaming lahat. Take note na
friends ko lahat ng mga lalaking nakainuman ko. Then here comes my boss. Siya
yung tipong barako talaga. Pala inom. Mahilig mambabae. In short, he’s like a
GOD for most of male Filipinos kasi naman he has all. Women, Money, Power, etc.
He also shared life lessons like this: Pag ang babae daw tumanda, nag
de-depreciate yung value, pero kung ang lalaki daw ang tumanda, mas lalong
tumataas ang market value. Then all of them would start bursting out laughter.
Turns out, joker din si Sir.
(11:00). We had finished two and a half cases
of red horse beer already and a lot of us we’re already drunk. (Besides me of
course). Then it happened. Ito yung pinaka kinaiinisan kong mangyari sa akin
during an inuman (or any given occasion, because this happens a lot). My boss
questioned my sexuality. In front of my f*cking friends. Hindi ko alam kung
paano umabot sa point na yun. Basta ang alam ko lang, tumingin sya sa akin and then
he opened it up. “Dex (not my real name),
bayot ka no? Sulti nalang gud”. At that point I always do what I normally
do. Look the person that addressed me straight in the eyes, just be quiet and
smile. I knew he was drunk, but I can’t help to be angry. Angry with him and
myself included. Then anger turned to humiliation. Humiliation to shame.
All of my friends were laughing, and I was
about to walk out that time, but that would be too obvious. Sanay na akong
makarining ng remarks about my sexuality but coming from him, my boss, one that
I already considered my father, it hurts. It also hurts when your friends join
in the fun and tease you. I told myself at that exact moment to be strong. To
never show them that they are hurting me inside. Then he addressed a friend
(the one sitting next to him) and told him: “Bayot
jud na si dex?”, and then my friend replied: “Ambot lang sir. Siya lang ang makatubag ana?”
I’ve been a very bad person. Done drugs and
alcohol. All in an effort to blend in and hide perfectly in my closet. But I
guess my methods were wrong. Maybe it’s because of this face? The way I move?
My voice? The way I talk? Oftentimes I blame my parents for not letting me go
outside when I was still young. Kasi iniisip ko na baka it’s because of my lack
of socialization with other young boys when I was a kid kaya ako naging ganito.
That maybe, if I had played sports, been naughty, etc, I could have been a man
that they always wanted me to be. I always think that the way I am today is
because of how my parents raised me back then, and not because of genetics (pathetic
right?). Although I have gay relatives from my father’s side (including an uncle)
which makes it more factual to believe that it’s because of the genes.
How would opening up and telling the world
about ‘me being gay’ any better? Would the pain from being discriminated be
less if I step out of my closet and inform everyone na bakla ako? I also hate
myself for the fact na I take it as an insult when someone tells me “Are you
gay? Bakla ka ba?” Yes I’m gay, and sadly, I am ashamed of it.
Sometimes, I always imagine what would happen
if I suddenly disappear. Hide from everyone that I ever knew. Have a new life
under a new name. Start over. Meet new friends but this time, I would be open
about my sexuality. I would tell the world that I am gay. Would I be happy?
Would that solve my life-long problem? The only thing that’s keeping me from
doing this is because of my family. I grew up in a household full of love and
respect. I don’t want to rob them years of misery.
I guess I already said too much. Kung may
makausap lang sana ako regarding these things I wouldn’t feel lonely inside. So
instead of talking to someone, I share it through this blog. This blog keeps me
sane. It’s like my bestfriend already. “A really deaf and mute friend” to be
specific.
This is davaokiddo. Signing off. You can
always email me at: davaokiddo@gmail.com
