Urrgh. I really want to share this to someone I know, but I guess he's busy right now so I intend to share it with you all. This is about my crush, here on my workplace.
We can call him Mr. C. He's ahead of me when it comes to age. Married with two kids (boys). And he frequently invites me to drink most of the time (At which point, I willingly agree, because he's hot hahaha). You can see my other post because this refers to the same person. (Crushing On Me)
In terms of physical features, he would pass out as a mexican/hispanic type of guy. He has hazel brown eyes, longish dark brown hair, light skin that turns light brown when he is exposed to sunlight, and has a meaty body (not thin, but not too big either). He has a defined chest which really makes a turn on for me. The only thing that should have completed the package was his height (because I'm taller than him).
Maybe that's also the reason why I am having difficulty in seducing/finding a straight mate, it's because of my height. But I go both ways. If I can see that the guy is manlier in movement and in looks than me, I would be a bottom for him. But if I find an attractive guy whose clearly showing signs of "femininity" then I would be a top for him. Strange eh? Hahaha.
Anyway back to the story. Whenever Mr. C and I go out for a drink, and whenever he is encountering 'tipsiness', he tends to open up things about me. He's saying statements like:
Mura jud kag babae ug nawong ba (You really look like a girl)
Bayot ba jud ka? (Are you gay?)
Haha.. Tug-an nalang gud (Just say it already)
Last night, it even got to the point wherein he is doubting my gender preference in front of my other friends who was watching a movie! (Because we were already drinking hours before, and he was already drunk). He's saying statements like: Unsa man jd imong tan-aw sa iya, bayot sya o dili. (When you look at him, do you think he's gay). He told this to my girl friend, at which point she replied: Dili man.. Ngano diay? Unsa'y point nimo (No. I don't think so. What's your point?) It got to the point that their voices grew louder and many people were noticing because they were arguing about me, about my gender preference, which kinda offends me when I think about it now. My girl friend was pretty clear when she told him that she doesn't think of me as gay, but Mr. C insists that
she was lying, that she sort of protects me and that she is not honest in her answer. It hurt me so bad.
During their conversation, until the finish, I finally realized what Mr. C's point was. His point was that he wants a friend whom he knows he can trust. He wants to be friends with me, but how can he trust, if he feels/knows that I am not honest with myself? That was the point that he was trying to imply.
This is the turning point of everything that I've ever built. I mean, we've known each other for awhile, and yet he still feels that I am gay. God! What's wrong with me?! Maybe this feminine face gives it away? Huhu. I don't know. Should I tell him the truth? That I am indeed gay? If I do this, I may not have the assurance of him being close to me anymore. Maybe he would try to avoid me then. Or he would continue being close to me because he is secretly gay too?
But if I stay this act, on being straight, we can still continue to be close, and share intimate stories with each other, but he would always try to go back to the point on doubting my gender preference.
It's a sad day indeed. And it's about to rain. I don't know what to do anymore. huhuhu. Can you give me advices on how to do this? Just email me on: davaokiddo@gmail.com
The not feeling well human,
Davaokiddo
P.S. I'll leave you with a quote I got from Sense8.
"The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence that we do to ourselves, when we’re too afraid to be who we really are. - Nomi"
