Hello 31

 Life is funny. Just when I almost forgot about this blog, a short memory kicks in and viola here I am again. 

It's 2024. A LOT has changed. Reading my previous posts kinda brings back the fuzzy feelings inside. It's like looking at a kid, so carefree, and pure bliss. 

I'm a 10 year employed person now. Kinda at the point where I believe most of my peers would want in order to live a decent life. (note: decent, not extravagant). I can buy what I want, I can eat what I want, heck, I can satisfy cravings if time permits.

However, don't get me wrong though. I also have debts, and sometimes  I loose control in keeping money, but on average, life is pretty good.  In fact, it's too good that some of my acquaintances from school or work get really surprised whenever the topic falls on each other's age... I always get this compliment that I don't look like my age.

For perspective, I am 5,8 in height, 72 kg moreno looking with thick brows, thick hair, broad shoulders, with a built and frame of a normal person (meaning i'm not fat, and i'm not thin either). Some say I can improve visually by going to the gym "daw", but I guess I couldn't stop my favorite sport (and habit) of taking a shot (sa glass). I don't really mind these comments, and usually end the conversation with a little chuckle or laugh. However, what bothers me though is that some of the men my age are starting to get bald, and have acquired chronic illnesses nadin (hypertension, diabetes, to say the least) with matching daddy body structure (appearing to look like they are married with two kids). I mean some of them are, which is okay.. But some are still single...

Being 31 and seeing the striking difference I seem to possess amongst my peers, I can safely conclude that youth is mostly dictated by the following:

1. Maintaining a slim/average body structure.

2. Having good and thick black hair. (which is also the reason why I don't get my hair dyed, after an experience years back).

I'm saying with the intention of sharing what I know so far to be true. To be honest, I was also on the heavier side way back (i think i was 82kg before). And experience taught me that gym isn't really the key to lose weight. 

Loosing weight starts on what we eat. Alas, the old saying that goes "What we eat is what we are." may very well stand the test of time as to its truthfulness.

Anyway, the main reason I'm posting this is because I feel so.... incomplete and lost. Just to be clear, I am not feeling negative, nor do I have bad thoughts about myself (nor do I have bad plans to do with thyself). It's not that kind of feeling. It's just.... an empty feeling.. Don't get me wrong, I am not the ungrateful type of person. It's just that, last night truly bothered me, or "rather" scared me. 

You know the feeling when you go to bed and you're just so tired that your body instantly went to that freezing stage (right before your mind go to sleep). I was there staring at my room's ceiling, lights turned off. Everything was so quiet - like I couldn't even hear the snores of other people in the house. 

It was at that moment that I realized and asked myself about my future. Like I had the most divine and sincere conversation with myself. I was self-reflecting on the fact that I am 31, and that I would probably die alone, without any kids. It was at this moment I started to ask as to where all my efforts are gonna go to. I could also say that what happened was my inner voice asking myself about what is my purpose/goal in living this life, or what things should I pursue.. It is also worth noting that amongst those several ideas running in my mind, the ultimate question of my death was repeating/reverberating in my consciousness.

What bothers me more is that I have a boyfriend, and currently in a relationship at the moment. Does any of this sound familiar to you guys? I wanna hear your thoughts. 

P.S. I'm not dying, and I don't have any chronic illnesses (in so far as annual medical check up shows me)